Claws of the Poppy
Published in Widowism by chefswidowMy brother is living in a shelter. I am devastated, however a part of me is grasping at hope. This is the first time in three years that he has been on his on with his addiction. Usually he is coddled and cared for by some member of my family. He has been enabled time and time again. Hitting bottom has yet to happen for him. His addiction has been easy on him. An addict with a home, food, clothes, shower, and family. Not bad. It has only been hard on us, his family.
My stomach aches when I think about the last time I saw him. He was high. It was New Years Day.
Seeing him high again six months after the last time I saw him high broke me down physically. I lost my shit. I couldn’t stop the tears. I stopped talking to him in the summer precisely because I did not want to breakdown the next time he did. I figured if I was not emotionally attached to him I would not feel the hurt I have felt so many times before. I was WAY wrong. In fact I think that maybe I should have talked to him, I should have had a relationship with him for these past few sober months so at least I could be a part of his life, but then I think about my babies. I could not have them around him. I could not have them begin a relationship with him.
But I always hoped. Secretely in the back of my mind I prayed that this was it. He was back. He was sober. He was my brother again. He would step in and be my kids cool uncle. My son’s fantastic godfather.
But he’s not. Walking into my parents house on New Years Day I spotting him on the couch and I immediately knew. He was gray and he was skinny. He looked like shit.
It was odd though, because he ate. In the past when he was high all he would eat was ice cream & candy. It was one of his tells. But this day he ate dinner and he could function for the most part. And then after dinner he disappeared. He came back, sat down on the couch, and the shell of my brother emerged.
The signs of heroin began to show their disgusting teeth. His eyes began to roll. My kids attempting to play with him were ignored. I knew. I looked at the Chef. He knew. My parent’s knew while they searched his car. We packed up the kids.
Happy 2009.
It has been three years since heroin began to kill my brother. My brother, the smart one, the good looking one, the funny one. My brother the boy who could make me laugh effortlessly. My brother the goofy amazing athlete. My brother. My brother, the heroin addict. My brother, the homeless man. I am sad. I am heartbroken. I miss him. I miss who he used to be. All I can do is hope and pray that somehow he makes it through this. I want him back. I want my children to know the boy I grew up with and loved.
My poor father. The man blames himself. What parent wouldn’t?
The claws of the poppy sink deep in that first taste and never release.
I need hope but it’s so hard. How many times….how many calls…how many sleepless nights are ahead of me? How many years can this go on before it kills my father? It will. I know it will. I can see how much he has aged since this began. His eyes are sadder now and his voice is quieter. He is broken.
Fuck.
Clap
Wow an amazing blog really! I have an addict in my family, I feel like this all the time..going back and forth between not speaking to her, to how could I not,to she could fuckin die and I didn’t say I love you, I know it’s a disease..but get some help girl..I miss her terribly, it’s like my left arm has been chopped off and I can’t find it…I wish your brother, you, your poor father ( I can totally see the age in my parents also), your children all hope, hope he finds the help he needs and the strength from within to finally get rid of his demons and become the brother/son/uncle/person you know he can be!!
Kiss your babies! They will make you feel better!
The best anyone can tell you is, you are not alone. I have had family members with addiction issues and it is beyond heartbreaking. Hang in there and focus on the wonderful family you have. Perhaps his current situation will help him realize he is loosing everything for the high. Like you said, he hasn’t hit bottom yet.
Try not to let this ruin the wonderful things you have ahead of you in 2009!
Hang in there!
I don’t have personal experience with this … but as most people, I know people who know people … my brother teetered on the razors edge of experimentation for a year or so as we held our breaths … my best friend’s twin sisters (same age as my brother) were both addicts … I say were because one is trying to put her life back together for her two kids … and the other, has recently gotten out of both prison and rehab … her little boy is living with my best friend. Last thing I heard is she didnt even care to get him back. Its hardest being family. Admire you for sharing … its bold and brought tears to my eyes. You have a great circle of support out here in this oblivion that is the internet … we are all pulling for you (and your brother) … hopefully 09 is everything it should be … a year of change.
I have nothing profound to say, except that I’m sorry ….
Thank you for sharing with the world …
Widow, I am so, so sorry for you and your Dad and the Chef and your kids. My heart hurts for you.
I lost my brother two years ago and am still haunted by the thought I didn’t do enough to save him … I will never know. I miss him and would do anything to have another day with him and another chance to help him. If your brother could read your words, maybe it would make him realize how much he is loved. Best of luck to you.
I completely understand how you feel. I know how hard it is to see someone completely transform into a fraction of who they used to be. I grew up with an addicted father. I spent many years begging, pleading and crying. One thing that you have to know is that they will not change until they are ready to. Unfortunatley, there is no way to make them change – no matter how hard we try. After battling drugs for 25 and many years of rehab, my Dad has been clean and will also be the first one to tell you that he misses it every day. I found comfort in attending some meetings with other addicts and family members – it was kind of cheesy at times but gives you a better insight into what to expect. I hope that he sees the light soon. Feel free to e-mail me any time if you need to talk.
I know how hard it is to watch a family member go through this. My aunt is an addict and for years the only time we felt truly like she was safe is when she was in jail. I don’t know many families that are happy to hear their loved one is in jail but that was better than the alternative.
We heard many times she was going to stay clean and she would be around for a couple weeks and then gone…
I happy to tell you that its been a year of being clean for her. I have my aunt back. I was finally able to introduce my boyfriend of 6 years to her last christmas! She has found cooking to be her one of her coping techniques.
It will be hard road but have faith in him!
I’m so sorry for your situation. I got teary eyed reading your story. Hopefully someday things will turn around for your brother and life will get better.
I’ve been meaning to talk to you about your brother since I read what you wrote awhile back. I could never seem to bring it up when we were just talking about happy things. I have a very close friend who beat this awful demon a long time ago and lives a very happy life today. Unfortunately your brother can only make the choice himself and he really doesn’t realize the guilt that he causes you and your family to have because the junk is overpowering any other thoughts. Hopefully something will work for him. I’m sure deep down, absent of the drug, he doesn’t want to torment you like this.
I’m so sorry that you and your family are going through this. I can’t imagine anything more difficult than watching someone you love do something like this to themselves. I hope he finds a way out of it and back to his old self, for you sake, and yours!
As said over and over in the prior responses, I too have been through this with my husband’s first born. It is not fun and in my situation, I had tried over and over to help only to be shit on time and time again. I know you don’t want to hear this but sometimes the best place is in jail or dead. Please know that you have so much support even from people you don’t know and Catcher and Louisana have the people that love them and they do not need to be a part of or even know him. It is a sad true fact but until he helps himself, they are better off without him. If this is proper, know that I will pray for you and your family.
You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers — I truly hope your brother recovers steadily and gracefully, for his (and all of those that love him) sake*
a very emotive post, I was captivated by it. I can only say I hope you all find the strength to cope with this. Take care of yourself xx
I’m so sorry for what you and your family are going through. I hope your brother is able to pull himself out of this abyss and see the people around him who love him and want him in their lives.
P.S.- I don’t know your brother, but you are plenty smart, good-looking and funny yourself, lady!
Heroin just has really big arms. It’s always pulling you in. You, your brother and your family are in my thoughts. As I told you before, I’ve been through this and I’m here if you need to talk!
im so sorry that you and your family are going through this right now.
I’m so sorry to hear about this. It’s all about strength, support and coping. Family and friends can help you through anything. Band together, care for one another and take things a day at a time. Know people have you and your family in their thoughts and prayers, you certainly are in mine.
Oh I feel for you. My big brother is an addict also. He has been homeless and I let him into my home with my family and my children. Then I found out he had brought his drugs into my home and I made him leave. It broke my heart that he would bring coke into my home where there was small children. My kids were 2 & 3 and he brought that shit here.
I don’t know what to tell you that will help except for that you are not alone. I hope that your brother will get himself clean. It can happen and I pray it will…
I can’t find an appropriate comment. This post literally gave me goosebumbps. So sorry you’re having to go through this right now. Embrace the good you have in your life…
also went through something similar with my younger brother… people are amazed now when I tell them that I have a brother who lived on the street. they ask me how I could have let that happen… it’s just either not heard of and not admitted to in the “social circles” that I “run” in. Now, 13 years later, his life is fairly together but I alway feel like we are standing on the edge of something with him. His life is good and other than cigarettes (legal and illegal), he stays clean. But I feel like I still can’t trust that if life took a turn his wife left him, he lost his job), he might go back to his old ways. And I am sstill so angry for what he put my parants and I through.
Still, addicts DO recover and I sleep better at night knowing that he is in a safe place with people who love him. So, I will say a little prayer for you, your family, and your brother. It is very possible that living in the shelter will NOT be the worst thing that ever happened to him… but the best as it forces him to change hos llife for the better.
A private person I am.