My Heart
I am a nervous wreck right now. Tomorrow I go to work. Tomorrow I leave my children with a girl named Sam. She’s a nice girl. She’s everything I wasn’t in college. A student. A cheerleader. A sorority girl. She is smart and thoughtful and played with my children as though she’d known them for years.
I’m a mess. I have cleaned my house from top to bottom today in nervous anticipation of what a college girl will think of my home. I have hugged, squeezed, and practically made out with my children today. Each second. Of every minute.
I am drinking wine now. And I am reflecting. I am making myself guilty with each sip. I made a choice when I found out I was having the boy. And I stuck with it. I chose to stay home. I chose to be his mother. I nurtured him. I watched him grow. I influenced him. I taught him words. I love you. Mommy you’re my best friend. We lived our lives together and created new lives each day. And then she came along. My girl, my biggie, my blue eyed love. The choice was still mine. I would be with them both. I would breathe each breath alongside theirs and I would have no regrets. I would stand by their sides each day, every day. I never liked working that much anyways.
And then I realized that I was working. Everyday. While they were at home. While they were awake. The TV became my go to. And I realized it wasn’t fair. It wasn’t fair to what I had promised them as their mother with my choice to stay home. But I couldn’t change it. The chef needed more and more help and my writing become somewhat of a reality. Something had to change.
I had to physically go to work.
Tomorrow I go to work. I become a part of my husband’s dream. And I will cry. Hell, I am crying right now. I will cry for him. I will cry for them. Shit I will cry for myself.
I am scared shitless and I feel like backing out. But I can’t. I made a choice to stay at home with them. And this will enable me to. Going to work part time at our family’s restaurant will allow me to devote all of my time (not at work) to my children. My babies. My life. My loves.
The cold black thing in my chest has melted….
You can do this, and I bet you will feeling much better about it in a few weeks. By doing this you can devote your time with them TO them and not be pulled in different directions. I’ve found that by working outside the home I’m a much more attentative and present parent when I’m with my girl – that time is so precious that we fill it up with all kinds of fun things. When I’m home with her for an extended period the TV comes on more and more and I find I’m trying to do 3 things a once. For me anyway, working away from her makes me a much better mom when I am with her.
That’s not to say that the first few days/weeks will suck, but I’m guessing you will be so busy with GHT that that time away from them will FLY by.
I feel your pain, Amelia. I have been lucky enough that at both of my jobs (the farm, now the markets) that at least the kids can come see me and see me in my work world. Many places do not offer that luxury. It’s hard. It sucks sometimes, in fact. I hate being away from them. But our family needs me to work. And I enjoy the work I do. I hope that at least I am showing them to follow their passion.
It gets much easier and becomes routine. And coming home is so much fun, with them running to give hugs and kisses. But every once in a while, when the little man starts to cry when I leave……it’s rough. But that is no longer the norm.
You can do it. They know you love them.
My heart totally goes out to you, Amelia! I’m glad you found someone that you can trust to watch your most precious little people. It’s hard, at first, to leave them but you’ll probably find you really enjoy those few hours away among adults. Good luck in your new working gig!
P.S. I couldn’t stop watching 8 mile last night either! Brittany Murphy’s character was lots of fun to trash!
What a great post and so honest and full of your gut.
I think that parenting (and more specifically, mothering) brings so many changes at the dawn of every new day.
Embrace this one … this change … and keep writing about it.
Hoping that Sam is everything you want and hope for her to be!
don’t beat yourself so hard. Every one of us moms that has to or chooses to work has had the same guilt, the same self talk. It does get easier and harder at the same time, but think of what you are teaching and showing your children. We tell our kids that they can do and be anything, show them what it is, tell them what it is like. Let them dream big and realize that it CAN be done because they have watched you and the chef do it together.
Amelia
I write tihs not as a mother but the daughter of a strong working woman. I always knew both of my parents had to work outside our home to make sure we could have a ‘nice’ life. My mother would have rather been with us, but I know she was doing what she had to for her family. I also appreciate, now that I am older, her time away from us made her much more present when she was with us.
You are doing the right thing- not the easy thing, but the right thing for your family, right now.
And they will love you and admire you (both) for it!
Hang in there!
You will cry and it will be hard and the next day will be hard too and the next and the next. But then each day will get a little less hard as you all figure out this new situation you’re in. And then you’ll see all the good that will come from it and you’ll wonder what you were crying for in the first place. Keep lots of pictures and lots of tissues in your purse that first week! Good luck…and, most of all, ENJOY yourself!
Ohhhh, my heart hurts for you.
Think of the good things. It will probably be fun for the kids having Sam around for some of the time and you will no doubt enjoy a little more adult time. I know you will find it fulfilling to be part of the new place and the new place will be better for it.
Grit your teeth and bear it the first few days and remember you can always change your mind if you feel that would be best.
Widow, You got this! You are doing all the right things by writing about it. Just think, this will give your kids an opportunity to miss you even more!
What a wonderful post. It’s so hard but you can do it. You are not backing out, just adjusting the schedule somewhat. It’s always so very hard at first. It will be good for the kids and you.
PS: I really love that photo! Your children are adorable!
Just catching up on my blog reading. What a beautiful post! How is it working out? How are you holding up? I started back to work a month ago and since have pulled Natalie from the horrible KinderCare and found a wonderful women in Bainbridge to watch her. Going back to work and leaving her was so hard, but I know it’s for her own good – we need both incomes to support her future (college, etc. and when she begs to go to Disney year after year…). At least I have Fridays off to be with her and leave a little early each day. But still, so painful. Anyway, I hope your new situation is working out and I loved how you described your feelings.