Mean Girl
Published in Widowism by chefswidowI can be a mean girl. The ability to be mean was nurtured early on in my life while watching my mother and father hate each other. She was mean to him, he was mean to her. Happiness was lost. As I reached the height of my teen years, the mean girl took over. High school was an easy place to get lost in, judgement is a way of life as one walks those halls. The mean girl reigned.
After high school my meanness transferred. I no longer thought myself better than others and my focus had gone from being popular to falling in love, something that first happened for me at 18. I was a freshman at OU as was he. It was bliss at first. We explored our lives together. We had ups and downs yet always found time to tell each other I love you. We were in love. Madly. About two years in, the mean girl came back. I wasn’t doing well in school and I began to take out my frustrations on him. I said awful things that I knew would hurt him. I made our relationship bad. I sabotaged the love we once had because of my anger. We eventually broke up and later on in my life I would realize that I royally fucked it up. My self esteem issues, my anger, and my relationship issues were just too much to let go of at the time.
Fast forward 5 years and the Chef and I are living together. I am happy. We are happy. We are in our twenties and live in NYC. The world is ours! The mean girl only comes out with whiskey. For the most part she is long gone.
So I think…
Fast forward another 5 years and the Chef and I are celebrating our 4 year wedding anniversary. We each realize that the past 4 years of our lives have been difficult. The mean girl came out more times then I would like to admit. But I will, here, in front of you.
Occasionally I am mean to the Chef. I don’t want to be mean. I love him more than I ever thought was possible. He is a good man. He is my good man.
But sometimes that 18 year girl pops out, opens her mouth, and mean things are said. Sometimes that mean girl breaks the lock of the closet and spews her anger, her lack of self esteem, and her stress. She is overwhelmed by her life and she takes it out on him. It’s not fair to either of them. Although she disappears quickly, the remorse that follows is like a tidal wave.
I know when I am being an asshole. I know when he doesn’t deserve my wrath. I know that within seconds of saying something mean I am sorry and shamed. He knows that I am sorry. He knows that I don’t mean it. He knows I’m not perfect, and that sometimes I am going to be mean, and yet he still loves me. Everyday more than the next…
lym chef
Clap
that really made me want to write poetry.
You two are very lucky.
I tend to brood a lot (the wife chalks it up to the poet thing) but it tends to make me somber and detached at the oddest moments and it makes me straddle the line of ruining her fun at times. Its a constant struggle but thats life and love I suppose.
Um … you totally made me tear up. It seems silly, but I do the same thing! I hear the words come out of my mouth and my brain is screaming “NO NOOOOO” … but alas, they are now out there. Its a daily struggle … and I agree with you … and thank goodness every day for a man who sees me through my occasional mean streak and sees the root of the problems before I know there is even something else I’m upset about.
Not that you need this advice … but hold on to him!
If you write any poetry CP I will so publish it here…
Jessie- I hold on to him very tight especially when he is getting mad hit on at the restie.
xoxo
Thank you for being real and not just posting surface level things. It take a tremendous person to admit their flaws and mistakes. It takes an even bigger person to put them out there. Realizing your mistakes is the best step in fixing them
. You’re an awesome person.
Thanks for sharing that Amelia. I can be really mean too. Nice to know I’m not alone.
i know exactly what you mean! i have an inner bitch that comes out occassionally. i love my chef to death, but SOMETIMES! wow. i can seriously be mean. i have the same problems with my past/insecurities/alcoholic….etc. we call that girl my “disease” and its not my alcoholic personality! ha! its an inside joke, its just that sometimes, i am sick and my mouth shows it. i once told a guy (not my current boyfriend) that i was glad that i wasnt his friend, because i wouldnt want his baby. we broke up shortly after that because i couldnt stop myself from being mean or spiteful towards him. and, deep down, i really meant it. most of the stuff that pops out of my mouth isnt that bad anymore, i just have a habit of telling it like it is, wether its nice or not. and yes, i regret a lot of things i say. we all have our moments is all i am saying i guess…
I think we all have our moments. No body is perfect and we all say things that wish we hadn’t. As cliche as it sounds love means never having to say your sorry, but the irony is that it is when you want to say it the most. You’re post made me tear up… because I’ve had many moments like that in my life as well. At my wedding I read a monologue from The Merchant of Venice (Act III, Scene 2) I think it really sums up
“You see me, Lord Bassanio, where I stand,
Such as I am: though for myself alone
I would not be ambitious in my wish,
To wish myself much better; yet, for you
I would be trebled twenty times myself;
A thousand times more fair, ten thousand times more rich;
That only to stand high in your account,
I might in virtue, beauties, livings, friends,
Exceed account…”
It goes on, but I’m already clearly the lame Shakespear quoter so I wont embarass myself further
Yep, that’s me too. I was so mean to my chef a couple days ago. Decided to jostle our harmony and invent a fight. Sometimes I just want some attention, so I’m like a little girl and collect negative attention. The part that really fills me with sadness is that my chef is truly one of the kindest, gentlest souls in the world. Now he’s having a lousy week with his own emotions and I know it’s because I started it off all wrong. Thankyou so much for this post! It makes me feel a little less crazy that I’m not the only women that has a mean girl living inside of her. First time responding to your blog, but I’ve been reading it for almost a year.