The Shame of Addiction
Published in Widowism by chefswidowMy brother is a heroin addict. I am not ashamed of this. I do not hide from it and I speak openly about it. I write a different blog that talks about the effects his addiction has on my life, my husband’s life, and my family’s life.
Even though I speak about his addiction, many do not. Many people are ashamed of the addict in their family. Many people hide the fact that addiction has affected them in some way. I don’t. I am not ashamed. I did nothing to make my brother an addict. My parents did nothing to make him an addict. He choose his path and we pay.
My brother grew up in a middle to upper class household. He went to private grade school and an all boys preparatory high school. He was handsome, funny, a great soccer player, and super smart. While I was insecure, he was confident. Even though I was four years older than him, I always wished I could be like him. There was just something about him. A kind of charm that few people are blessed with. He was special. As I went off to college, I watched as my dad and brother began their own journey, that as father and son.
They co-existed and even formed a special relationship during that time. I remember coming home from college and being so jealous of how close they had gotten. It was like they had their own secret guy language and now that I, the only girl in the house was gone, they had each other more than ever.
I went on with my life. I fought my own addiction fueled issues and somehow made my way out of the muck. Around the time when my life was cleaning up, my brother’s life was spinning out of control. A shoulder injury was the front door to his heroin addiction. The doctor had prescribed him Oxycontin for the pain. When the prescription ran out, the doctor prescribed it again, and again. Three prescriptions later and my brother was an opiate addict. When his doctor stopped the prescription, my brother found Oxycontin at his college. He started buying it to feed his habit. When he ran out of money, his friend introduced him to a cheaper version of Oxycontin, powdered heroin.
Seven years later and the brother I once laughed with is gone. A paranoid, sometimes there, sometimes not, shell of a human being has replaced him. His handsome defined face is now hardened and permanently grey. His laughter, a falsetto of what used to make my smile huge, now makes me cringe. The brother I once loved is gone, replaced by the hurricane of heroin.
Addiction is like a hurricane. It doesn’t destroy based on wealth, class, or social status. It doesn’t pick it’s victims based on what their home life is. Addiction spares no one when it lays down it’s mighty wrath. Addiction begins at one moment of choice. One choice that forever defines the future of so many lives.
For me, addiction has not only destroyed my brother, but has also taken a piece of my dad. He blames himself for the path my brother chose. He is ashamed. Ashamed that he cannot save my brother from his horrible fate. It is an embarrassment that I don’t understand because the addiction has not taken over my son. It has taken over his. The son he watched grow up, the son he loved every single day of his life, the son he always wanted, has somehow chosen to destroy his own life. My father has 100 PERCENT convinced himself that my brother’s heroin addiction is 100 PERCENT his failure as a father. He truly believes that had he been a better father, a better provider, a better man, my brother wouldn’t have stuck that needle in his arm.
I CALL BULLSHIT.
Why you ask? Why bullshit?
I AM the proof he was a good father. Anyone who may judge him for my brother’s addiction need only look at me. I am the fucking American dream that so many people still believe in. I am a woman. I am a mother. I am a successful business owner. I own a house. I have two cars and put fresh whole foods on the table daily. I have two healthy amazing kids. I am madly in love with the man I married. I speak my mind. I stand up for the less fortunate. I treat people with respect. I define my own beliefs and I stand up for them.
I
am
the
American Dream.
My father is the MAIN reason for this. He helped mold me into what I am today. He instilled the same values in me that he did my brother. He taught me about work ethic, passion, and family. I listened to him whilst my brother put a needle in his arm.
I believe there are TWO MAJOR PROBLEMS with addiction in this country. First is the drug addiction itself. Drugs are fucking bad. We all know this. Some are worse than others. Some people use and make it out just fine, some people use and become lifelong addicts. It’s a fucking crap shoot that has plagued our country for a very, very, very long time and I have no idea how this can be fixed.
The second problem is a much easier fix to me. The judging and shame that goes along with the addiction needs to be eradicated. I can pretty much guarantee that one of you reading this has an addict or substance abuser in the family. I can also guarantee that most of you reading this are normal, law abiding citizens who love their families. You probably live in a house, have a job, and treat people well. The majority of addicts have families like ours. Yet no one talks about it. Everyone hides their addict in the corner, dealing with the problem all by themselves. The addicts fight the battle, some live, some die, and most people stay quiet. We wouldn’t want The Joneses to know little Timmy is a meth head now would we?
The war on drugs is the longest losing war that our country has battles. Our perception of addiction needs to change for any movement in this stagnant war. Parents need to start talking about their kids with problems. In public. Out in the open. The shame of addiction must be eliminated for any change in this disease that is silently, slowly killing our country.
Starting today, starting now, starting with you and me, the shame of addiction can be stopped. All it takes is for us to open our mouths and speak up. Let’s stop the judging of each other and work together to find a solution to this devastating hurricane of a disease.
I’m 27 years old and my father is an addict. He is currently in rehab for probably the 20th time in my life.
I’m not ashamed. I WISH I could talk about it more openly with people without them judging me. I know I am not my father. I wish everyone else did too.
Thanks so much for writing this.
What a powerful post. Everyone should read this because it is so true. Here’s praying and hoping that your brother is able to kick the demon inside him and that your father is able to let go of his guilt.
I want to thank you for writing this blog. I lost my brother to heroin 9 years in September. It was very hard to watch someone harm them self as he did. He was such a giving person never stole, never harmed anyone. He was just a very sad boy. My parents to this day blame themselves and I think a little bit of me blames myself. But I have been able to start and succeed at running my own business in Cleveland and I wouldn’t of been able to do it without my mom and dad.
Thanks you again for sharing. I congratulate both you and your husband for what you are doing for the city of Cleveland. Love your restaurants! Cheers
Skip
Skip and Rachel- I am sorry to hear about your loved ones. It’s a battle and I am so SICK of everyone being quiet about it. It’s a plague that needs to be stopped and talking about it is all I know how to do.
Thanks for writing this. I really appreciate your honesty and willingness to put this out there. My family has a history of mental illness that hold shame for many. It’s time for that to end.
What an amazing post. I had to take a minute after reading this. This is the first post ever that has made me cry. You are a true testament to the strength and love of your family.
Sometimes it is also the impact of an addiction to what is a legal substance.Something people aren’t ashamed to say they socially consume. My family enabled my mother’s alcoholism by pretending it didn’t exist. Everyone ran. Everyone hid. I was left home alone, as a young child, to fend for myself protected by the mask of our life as a family just battling through a divorce. What started as most likely an escape from depression turned into a long battle that she lost. But, to this day people shy away from the discussion when I say “my mother drank herself to death.”
You are an amazing writer. I am sorry for the pain that you suffer through with your brother. I am proud of you for giving a voice to such a terrible situation.
Such an amazing post. Addiction runs in my family. I have 2 BIL who have had an ongoing battle with alcohol. My sisters are heavy drinkers , their vodka and cranberry features just a splash of cranberry and pot and cocaine was very prevelant with my older siblings. 2 of them barely made it out of high school. I watched from the sidelines being 5 years younger made it easy to see what they were doing and how it affected all of us.
What is sad is to see addiction in the next generation. My oldest nephew has lost the last 7 or 8 years to addiction. His was and is pot, alcohol and OxyContin
He has lost out on his college years and the time when alot of his friends have made strides in careers, love and their own family. It is sad because he had so much going for him. He has learned what his triggers are and goes to support groups and has a circle of friends that he has met through the support groups that help him get through the rough patches.
Thank you so much for sharing your history. You are the American dream that everyone strives for. Loving and hard working and supportive to those around you. XOXO
Thank you so much for writing this post. People too often think that if they just ignore the addiction it will all go away, but it doesn’t. I lost one of my best friends to a heroin additiction about 6 years ago and it’s still hard to deal with sometimes. You are sending such a strong message that really does have the potential to make an impact. If people stop being ashamed and start talking about it, maybe the tables can start to turn. Thanks again for sharing!!
I can’t truly sympathize, but I was still very moved by this post. I’m so sorry that you’ve “lost” such an important member of your family, but I have to admire your perspective. I hope your brother is somehow able to find his way back to health and happiness. And, no matter what happens, I wish your dad peace and the kind of clarity you’ve been able to find.
I still remember the day I introduced myself to you at the restaurant and told you about my brother, the “former” addict. I have never tried to hide the fact that my brother was a drug addict but there was something empowering about saying it out loud to someone else who knew what something about what I have been through. Since he lives thousands of miles away, it has been very easy to hide my brother and when I do talk about him, people are so shocked. Drug addiction always seems like something that happens to other people, other families. Just like the homelessness that usually goes hand in hand with drug addiction, it seems impossible to comprehend that someone who seems so “normal” could have sunk so low. But I have always said that my family and I have suffered enough from his addiction; it should no cause me shame. I did not introduce him to drugs or force him to continue to take drugs or to relapse. Well, now my brother is coming to town in 7 months to celebrate what should be a huge milestone in my son’s life. He is clean now and lives a relatively normal life but all I can think about is what if he does relapse and ruins my son’s celebration. I am with you in trying to take the shame and embarassment away from addiction. I did NOT create his problems and I am NOT the cause of them. I will look to your post when I need the reminder to stay strong!