Growing up I would have to say that I had the best grandparents known to man or woman. They were the epitome of what every child could possibly want in a grandparent or parent for that matter. My grandma is gone now but my grandpa is still here and for that I am so grateful. Every time I see him, I see my grandma who I miss dearly everyday. My grandma was an amazing woman. She was a matriarch. She was independent when women were not supposed to be independent. She was my mother, not by birth but by love. When I hated my parents and couldn't take the fighting for much longer, she was my escape. She made it all better. When I was scared or depressed all I needed was to see her face and hear her voice and I knew that life would eventually work itself out. It has been almost four years since her awful battle with pancreatic cancer ended and I still cannot let her go, nor do I want too. I talk to her every day. I pray to her when I fly on an airplane and eventually I will have a tattoo of her on my arm in her wedding dress (which she would totally hate). Losing someone who means the world to you can ultimately change your destiny. When my grandmother got sick, Jonathon and I began to reconnect. We began to speak on the phone every night. When she died his mom came to her funeral. At the time I thought it was odd, but know I know that she was meant to be there. She had to meet the most important women in my life. After she died, I gave up everything. I said Fuck You to everything that surrounding me. Everything but Jonathon. I left school in January, six months had passed, and I moved to New York City. I had $92 in my purse.
Little did I know that my grandmother's passing would ultimately lead me to the birth of my son and the beginning of my family. She had to leave this earth so Catcher could arrive. It is an odd theory for someone who has a very hard time with religion but I really do believe that is what happened.

Shit, now I am a mess. Good thing I have Potato to lick the tears off of my face.

Anyways that being said; now that I have my own son and he has grandparents of his own, I find myself pitting them against each other in my head. I compare, I make notes, I summarize. Who is the better grandparent? Who loves Catcher more? It is unfair and judgemental but it is my son that we are dealing with and he deserves the best.

I have only spoken about one of my sets of grandparents because the other set died when I was young. I didn't know them well. Although I know my Pope had a liking of the vodka, somewhat like myself. When I see grandparents I never see them. Although a Dolly Parton-Kenny Rogers song remind me of my granny when I hear, yes it is on my iTunes. Back to the judging thing, I guess my issue is ultimately my father. I want him to be someone he used to be before he married his new wife. Things have changed drastically between us and I cannot only blame him. He is different but I am different as well. I just want him to stand up for me and what I have become. I want him to be proud of my family. He loves Catcher, I know this for sure, he may even love him more than me, which is completely understandable. I have been an asshole for the majority of my time I spent with him. I guess I just have a problem with how they react to our life here in New York. They do not approve and they never hesitate to tell us so in their own words. As a parent I firmly believe that issues like that must be put aside and the relationship between child and grandparent must be the priority. They have come to see us once and the only reason they came was because my father had a convention in the city. In Florida I felt like they did not offer once to take the boy or hang out with him. I had to force it upon them. That is not how I believe it should be. However this is how it may be with them. I have to realize that they are not going to be my grandparents. And that makes my so sad. I want my boy to have the same phenomenal experience that I had with my own grandparents. Maybe in time things will change.

Man I wish my grandma was here to talk this one out. Fuck the Internet.