Your Food Sucks Tyler Florence

It has been quite awhile since I have dined in a chain restaurant. Come to think of it I can't remember the last time. I think I might have been prego with Catcher and my girlfriends were having lunch at TGIFridays.

We avoid them like the plague. When you are married to someone who can basically tell you where any type or kind of food came from, how much it cost, and how chemical & preservative filled it is, you tend to skip the large corporate chains. We are local whores, I mean localvores. We eat local. We spend our money local. And we try to buy local food.

Tonight was a different story. I was at my dad's and he was meeting my stepmother at Appplebee's. I had the kids. The boy was insanely hungry. Biggie Smalls was sleepin' so I thought what the hell, it can't be that BAD can it?

Yes, Yes it CAN. Worse actually than what I imagined.

When we got to the Applebee's locale there was a wait. I immediately headed for the door. There was absolutely no way in hell I was going to wait for Applebee's. The Spotted Pig, yeah I'll wait. Franny's, I'll wait. Applebee's, Fuck no.

The boy started to lose it just as the 17 year richster (hipster+trust fund kid) called our name. We were paraded through an aisle way of fatties that was about 16 inches wide. It was like a corral. The booth we sat in was literally 12 inches away from the next table. It was awful and packed and smelled like grease.

I started to read the menu and remembered that Tyler Florence (someone I had never even heard of before the chef informed me who he was) had some kind of deal with Applebee's. I looked for his special signature dishes and ordered the Bruschetta burger. And no I wasn't drunk.

We waited and waited and waited. Finally when Biggie Smalls started to freak out our server came by to tell us the kitchen was backed up. Mother fucker. The boy started losing it (as he does whenever his little sis is sadface) and I seriously thought about booking. Finally our food came. I didn't expect it to be good. But I didn't expect it to have a slice of cold mozzerella cheese on it either. It was on a soggy burger and the so called Bruschetta tasted like burnt oil. Honestly it was supergross. I feel like yaking right now. Actually I think I might make myself yak. My stomach is a rotten mess and you wouldn't believe what just took place in my bathroom.

I wish I just went home and skipped the $10 grossfest. Shit for $10 I could go down to Bar Cento and eat an Ohio beef burger with pomme frites and chilli mayo. So all in all I have pretty much decided never to go back to Applebee's or shall I say Crapplebee's. Or Fattlebee's. Or Nastybee's. Or Applebutt's. Or just plain shit.

And if anyone calls me a food snob you can go (insert middle finger here). No one should be OK with paying $10 for a disgusting frozen preservative filled meal. Just because you live in the burbs doesn't mean you should settle for food that is going to kill you sooner than later.

*****In all fairness I know that Tyler Florence wasn't back in the kitchen cooking my shit hamburger. I am sure some 17 year old stoner was responsible for that mess.*****