ONE Don't come to dinner blackout drunk. Don't get blackout drunk at dinner.
Save 'da blackout for 'da club.
Don't tell the hostess you know so and so and they said you can get the best table in the house at 7.30 on a Saturday night with no reservation. The host doesn't believe you. Even if you were sleeping with the owner, the host still wouldn't believe you.
Don't order a medium rare burger, steak, etc. and then send it back because it was too red. Medium rare is supposed to be red and warm. If you don't want the red or the warm, order it fucking well done.
Don't order a burger well done. You may as well be eating cardboard. There is absolutely NO point to eating a burger well done. No point, no flavor, NO GOOD. The Chef could be the best chef in the world and your well done burger would still be crap. Sorry kids, it's just not good. The sooner you admit it, the sooner you will try a medium rare burger, which will delight your taste buds forever.
If you do happen to accidentally get blackout drunk, make a scene, and almost get arrested, don't write an email to management on Monday asking how we could treat so bad. We actually treated you awesome. We gave you the opportunity to leave without a scene but you threw that out the window when you called our hostess a slut and said you were gonna text the owner. Grow up dude, your 40.
Don't fake food allergies, vegetarianism, or any other dietary restrictions because you are afraid to try something new. I once went out to dinner with 10 people, one of them was a vegan and asked our server if there was any food she could eat. Our server said the chef could whip something up for her. The server then took the order from everyone else and guess what? they all ordered the fucking vegan. None of them were vegan and we were dining at a DAMN BURGER JOINT. Come on now.
Don't treat your server like they are beneath you. They are not. Servers are some of the hardest working people I have ever met. That being said don't forget to tip your server. 18%. Absolute minimum.
Don't walk into a restaurant with a chip on your shoulder. If you are mad that you are eating at a certain restaurant, there is nothing the Chef, server, manager, or staff can do to make you have an enjoyable time.
Don't let your kids run around like maniacs. This is a hard one, I know from my own personal experience. Bringing kids to a restaurant is a touchy subject. There are people who ban them from restaurants or people who embrace them. Being the parents of two awesome mini's ourselves, we are the latter type of people. Thing is though, other people don't feel the way we feel about kids. They don't want to eat their steak tartare and drink their chave next to a six year old boy getting down on some gravy frittes. SO...if you chose to bring your kids out to eat (and you should!), make sure they are ready to go out to eat. Bring toys, bring crayons, bring whatever you need to keep your kids at your tables and not your next door neighbors.
Don't write anonymous reviews on yelp, facebook, foursquare, dinavore, urban spoon, or any other fucking website if you have a problem with your dining experiences. TALK TO THE MANAGEMENT. We (restaurant owners) pay managers a lot of money to make sure things are running smoothly at the restaurant our life is based on. If you have a bad experience, ask for the manager. If you are embarrassed to speak face to face, write a god damn email. Let the restaurant make it right. Let them learn from their mistakes. Your anonymous yelp posting does not help us fix our mistakes. All it does is make us think you are a lying internet troll. If you must review a restaurant on the interwebs, grow a sac and leave your real name. Leave your contact info. If a restaurant gives a damn about their customers you will be contacted and that restaurant will try to make it right. Trust me, our lives depend on it and children's lives depend on it.
That's my list. What's yours?