O' Captain, My Captain

I've been holding back tears ever since I heard the news of Robin Williams passing. I was at soccer practice sitting in the car with the girl while the boy sloshed around the wet field when I scrolled thru my instagram and saw the news. My stomach dropped and my eyes watered. With all my might I held them back before my daughter could ask what was wrong. 

I didn't know Robin Williams but I sure felt like I did. I think we all did, didn't we? I watched Mork and Mindy as a child and when I was at the cusp of childhood and teenagedom I found a part of myself in the film Dead Poets Society.

O Captain! my Captain! rise up and hear the bells;
Rise up—for you the flag is flung—for you the bugle trills,
For you bouquets and ribbon’d wreaths for you the shores a-crowding
— Walt Whitman

Robin Williams was an icon as I grew up with and his legend and comedy only seemed to expand. He was a true artist and the world will be a bit less funny now that he has departed.

But his movies and his art aren't why I am sad. He will forever live on in film and for this I am happy. My sadness comes from knowing that addiction and depression is a never ending uncurable disease that affects so many and takes so much. To understand depression and addiction I think you must either live with it or love someone who has the disease. Both diseases are cyclical and interchangeable and spontaneous. A life of sobreity can be lived and in one moment depression can jump the gun and make a decision that you have no control over. Sometimes there is no choice. Sometimes the disease just fucking wins...and's its bullshit and it's sucks but it wins. It just wins. 

I hope you find peace Mr. Williams. You gave us so much. Thank you for the lifetime of laughter.