When I was a little girl I used to have 'daymare's' about dying & death. They generally started right before I was going to sleep and I would have to tell myself stories to fall asleep. They were usually thoughts about how my life would be if people I loved passed away. Sometimes I would imagine my father's death, which would terrify me so bad that I would not sleep all night. Imagine that, a seven year old insomniac.
Ultimately these 'daymares' went away but the thoughts of them still resonated deep inside me. This led me to my biggest fear. Death. Ever since I can remember the thought of death has haunted me on a daily basis. Sometimes it would consume me so bad that I would be brought to tears.
And then one day, a funny thing happened. I no longer was scared to die (except on airplanes). The haunting had stopped and it was all because of the birth of my baby boy.
The life that he gave me was something I never thought I could achieve. His birth alone completely wiped out the thoughts of fear and death. My fear had turned into love for him and love for my family.
Now, that the boy is closely approaching his second birthday and our future is balancing in the wind, I find that I have a new fear. Something called uncertainty. Having a child seems to flush all the irresponsibility that used to define me, down the toilet. I have to think of the boy's future as well as our family's. With that magnanimous responsibility I find myself a little bit crazed and stressed.
As of today I do not know what I want the future to be like. Do I want to stay in the city? Is it going to be good for the boy? Should we move to the country and have a prosciutto farm? Do I want the Chef to be famous? Do I want the Chef to be rich? Is the boy going to be pissed that he doesn't have a backyard? Am I really going to like Zydeco?
This is all the shit that goes through me mind every single day. The uncertainty of our future is what is defining me right now. Am I ok with that? Can I be? Right now I just have to trust the fact that so far every decision we have made has been beneficially to our family. Those decisions have made us grow like we never thought possible.
I just have to keep telling myself that it will all work out.