Fine in '09: Working Mama

A favorite of mine published on March 24, 2009 talking about going back to work at the tavern.  Now almost a year after I wrote this I still find myself conflicted when I leave my mini's.

My Heart

I am a nervous wreck right now.  Tomorrow I go to work.  Tomorrow I leave my children with a girl named Sam.  She’s a nice girl.  She’s everything I wasn’t in college.  A student.  A cheerleader.  A sorority girl.  She is smart and thoughtful and played with my children as though she’d known them for years.

I’m a mess.  I have cleaned my house from top to bottom today in nervous anticipation of what a college girl will think of my home.  I have hugged, squeezed, and practically made out with my children today.  Each second.  Of every minute.

I am drinking wine now.  And I am reflecting.  I am making myself  guilty with each sip.  I made a choice when I found out I was having the boy.  And I stuck with it.  I chose to stay home.  I chose to be his mother.  I nurtured him.  I watched him grow.  I influenced him.  I taught him words.  I love you.  Mommy you’re my best friend. We lived our lives together and created new lives each day.  And then she came along.  My girl, my biggie, my blue eyed love.  The choice was still mine.  I would be with them both.  I would breathe each breath alongside theirs and I would have no regrets.  I would stand by their sides each day, every day.  I never liked working that much anyways.

And then I realized that I was working.  Everyday.  While they were at home.  While they were awake.  The TV became my go to.  And I realized it wasn’t fair.  It wasn’t fair to what I had promised them as their mother with my choice to stay home.  But I couldn’t change it.  The chef needed more and more help and my writing become somewhat of a reality. Something had to change.

I had to physically go to work.

Tomorrow I go to work.  I become a part of my husband’s dream.  And I will cry.  Hell, I am crying right now.  I will cry for him.  I will cry for them.  Shit I will cry for myself.

I am scared shitless and I feel like backing out.  But I can’t.  I made a choice to stay at home with them.  And this will enable me to.  Going to work part time at our family’s restaurant will allow me to devote all of my time (not at work) to my children.  My babies.  My life.  My loves.

The cold black thing in my chest has melted….